Hiring Talent

I heard from my buddies in HR that hiring tech talent has become like trying to find a needle in a haystack. But it’s like someone dumped another haystack on top of your haystack. And then they threw in some extra needles just to mess with you.

Since Trudeau turned on the labor faucet, it’s like HR’s dealing with a deluge. Every tech job ad is like a dinner bell in a shark tank. And not the cool sharks, more like the ones that want to sell you oceanfront property in Arizona.

International students are swarming these job postings like they’re the last chopper out of ‘Nam. It’s so packed, I wouldn’t be surprised if they started listing “ability to apply for jobs” as a skill on their resume.

The resumes, oh boy, they’re inflated like a kid’s birthday balloon. Everyone’s an expert, right? “I’ve mastered Java,” says a guy who just spelled it as ‘Jabba’. It’s like if I said I’m great at cooking because I can make cereal.

And the interviews, man, they feel like interrogating a suspect who watched too many crime shows. You ask a question, and the rehearsed answers come flying out. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started confessing to stuff just to fit their script. “Yes, I did it. I overthrew the government of a small island nation with my coding skills.”

The quality of applicants? More like a parade of aggressive fakes. It’s like someone put up a sign saying, “Actors needed for a role as a tech expert.” They’re about as genuine as a three-dollar bill. You can almost see the strings being pulled by the last self-help book they read. “Be assertive,” the book says. So, they come in, guns blazing, ready to conquer the world with buzzwords.

These aren’t quality folks; they’re like knock-off smartphones that look right until you turn them on and realize they can’t even do a Google search without crashing. It’s a parade of wannabes and overachievers who think aggressive networking is a substitute for actual talent.

So now, hiring for tech is less about finding the right person and more about playing detective in a sea of embellishment. We’ve got this suspicion that some folks might be cheating on those online proctored exams. It’s like when you see a dog walking on its hind legs – sure, it’s impressive, but you know something’s not quite right.

So, my friends in HR decided to set up these five-minute screening calls. They’re like speed dating, but less fun and nobody finds love. They’ve got three simple questions that any tech person should know. It’s like asking a chef if they know how to boil water. But guess what? About 90% of these candidates are failing. It’s like finding out the chef can’t even find the pot.

Trying to find someone with Canadian experience in tech is like trying to find a snowball in the Sahara. Where did they all go? Did they all join a band? Start a commune? Get abducted by aliens who needed IT support?

And these foreign students, bless their hearts, they’re coming in with degrees from schools that might as well be Hogwarts. They think they’ve learned the magic of technology, but really, they’ve just got a diploma that’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

It’s like these schools are handing out certifications like they’re flyers for a pizza joint. “Come get your degree! Free breadsticks with your diploma!” But in the real world, it turns out that breadsticks don’t count as experience.

So here we are, swimming in a sea of candidates who can’t tell a computer from a toaster. It’s like everyone’s playing dress-up, pretending to be tech experts, but when you ask them to turn on the computer, they start looking for the switch on the monitor.

In the end, you’ve got to wonder, are we really advancing, or are we just shuffling around a bunch of paper with fancy lettering? Maybe we should go back to the old ways – like asking candidates to fix a toaster. At least then we’d know they can handle the heat.

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