Poison Your Coworkers

Everyone in the office tries to play innocent. They exert no physical effort and arguably minimal mental effort while shoveling the worst foods into their plumping bellies. It’s no wonder they put on ten pounds a year and after just a few sedentary seasons are looking bloated and weak. The first thing you should consider when seeing office workers is to make sure you never end up like them, physically or mentally.

“How could we have known that eating garbage would be bad for us?”

It took retired SEAL commander Jocko Willink to tell them that eating doughnuts is one of the worst things you could stuff in your mouth. He recommends not eating any office food, whether doughnuts, bagels, pizza, or anything else fat slobs at your office bring in to share. Let’s be serious: given what you see of these people, is there anything about them you would copy or trust to do to yourself?

However, there’s a Machiavellian strategy built in to the realization that people putting comfort food in the break room is “sabotaging the health of their coworkers.” Just do it! Bury them in comfort while abstaining (claim allergies or whatever). Your coworkers are your competition and for just a few dollars a week you can savagely wreck them so you are the only one left who isn’t full of saturated fats and constantly napping from sugar spikes.

Give your coworkers heart disease and diabetes because otherwise it’s a harder competition and there’s money at stake you could be getting more of for your family. Likewise, consider what the real motivations might be of the person who brings in a few dozen doughnuts and sends out a happy email inviting cockroaches to come to the break room to feast on free poison.

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