Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about DEI, or as I like to call it, the Department of Euphemisms and Insanity. You see, DEI is this wonderful tool we’ve created to ensure we can cram more women into roles where they historically never quite fit—like firefighters.

Now, before you get all huffy, let’s get one thing straight. Women, biologically, have far less upper body strength than men. It’s a fact. But DEI? Oh no, DEI thinks strength standards are just another form of oppression. That’s right, lifting heavy hoses and dragging unconscious people down several flights of stairs are now considered “oppressive tasks.” Apparently, those are just outdated concepts from a bygone era when we valued safety and performance.

So, what’s the solution? Simple! We just reduce or even remove those pesky requirements altogether. Who needs them? We need more women in firefighting, and who cares if they can’t actually do the job? We can have all the mentoring and support in the world, but let’s face it, weak women won’t magically turn into strong men. But with DEI, we don’t have to worry about that! We can get to 50% female firefighters, or even better, aim for 100%!

How do we achieve this utopia, you ask? By implementing strong HR programs that actively discriminate against those pesky strong men. Yes, that’s right. Reject their candidacy outright. Why have physically capable individuals when you can have a gender-balanced team of firefighters who might struggle to lift a fire hose?

DEI is the primary goal here, folks. Not safety, not performance, not standards. Those are archaic concepts holding us back. We need progress, and progress means redefining what it means to be a firefighter. It means accepting that maybe, just maybe, one day, all firefighters will be weak women, unburdened by the standards of the occupation.

Airlines are also on this new kick of diversifying their pilots. That’s right, instead of picking the best, most experienced pilots, we’re filling the cockpits with a colorful array of racial groups and females. Because who needs experience and skill when you can have diversity?

Imagine this: You’re about to board a flight for a crucial business trip or a much-needed vacation. You used to take comfort in knowing your pilot had thousands of hours of flight time and a spotless record. But now, thanks to DEI, you can rest assured that your pilot was selected to meet a racial or gender quota. Doesn’t that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

Why settle for a highly experienced and qualified pilot when you can have a vibrant piloting staff? Who cares if they have limited experience or aren’t the best applicants? The important thing is that our pilots look like the general population, not like a bunch of seasoned professionals. It’s all about representation, baby!

DEI is making sure that the best are replaced by pilots who check the right diversity boxes. And don’t you worry about those pesky old standards of competence and safety—they’re just holding back progress. Who needs a smooth, uneventful flight when you can have an exciting adventure with a pilot who’s learning on the job?

DEI is nicely combatting the problem of too many Asian doctors out there. Yeah, they get into the best medical schools because, surprise, surprise, their scores are the highest. But who cares about scores, right? We’ve got a brilliant new way to balance things out: discriminate against high scores and give a leg up to groups with lower scores and lower academic performance.

Equality, my friends, is the name of the game. And what better way to achieve it than by lowering the bar so that everyone can trip over it equally? Imagine a world where many more minorities, who traditionally don’t meet academic norms, can become doctors. Forget about merit; it’s all about representation.

While in medical school, professors will have to treat these less capable students with kid gloves. You can’t fail someone just because they perform poorly—that’s oppressive! No, no, no. We must ensure they pass their courses, even if it means handing out diplomas like participation trophies. This way, they can graduate just like those high-performing students who didn’t need any help.

Once they reach the workplace, we’ll continue our noble quest for equality. We’ll keep those pesky, high-scoring Asians unemployed, and favor our low-performing minorities for jobs. DEI goals of equity mean ensuring the same results, regardless of ability and performance. Through our enlightened DEI approaches, we can finally rid ourselves of those annoying high performers and replace them with low performers.

And when you end up with a doctor who isn’t very bright and doesn’t perform well, well, that’s just sharing equity on a broader scale. Because, let’s be honest, no one has the right to have a good or qualified doctor. Your doctor should be a random representative of society, not some exceptional individual who received the best training. After all, what’s the point of having competent doctors when we can have a perfectly balanced, mediocre healthcare system?

Welcome to the future, folks. It’s a brave new world where your chances of surviving a hospital visit are as random as winning the lottery. Competence takes a backseat to representation, all in the name of progress and equity. Enjoy your new, equally unqualified firefighters, pilots, and doctors!