The Simulation Simplifies By Using NPCs

After listening to all the office chatter about the opinions of dull minds consuming shows, movies, and sports I tried it myself for months by repeating the same opinions as theirs about things I had never watched. They never realized I was a confederate! Every time I faked it they believed my pointless opinion was…

Leftism is the new Free Pizza

Before Google and Twitter, technology companies used to prove their coolness by periodically buying large quantities of pizza. Executives would happily pay a few hundred dollars for bad pizza to thrill easily stimulated workers and get thousands of dollars of work for the investment. Free pizza evolved to chef-led kitchens so workers would ideally start…

Poison Your Coworkers

Everyone in the office tries to play innocent. They exert no physical effort and arguably minimal mental effort while shoveling the worst foods into their plumping bellies. It’s no wonder they put on ten pounds a year and after just a few sedentary seasons are looking bloated and weak. The first thing you should consider…

Sleep Deprivation Will Make You a Million

White collar workers are chronically sleep deprived from waking up too early and taking work home to ponder at night, while checking email and texts at all hours and being dramatically preoccupied with small events that don’t matter much. Many add in habitual late night shows, watching sports, movies, video games, and other base amusements…

IT Testing Center Comedy

The IT testing center was an accredited space where clients could take training classes and certificate bearing exams. These were needed because university degrees no longer conferred knowledge or general competence. Hiring managers were similarly deficient and couldn’t weed out fakers from the experienced, and everyone was lying about their skills on resumes. It was…

Reverse Engineering

Our jobs are silly duties we’re willing to tolerate in exchange for money we can use on larger goals. Everything else being the same, you’d just as well shovel septic sludge all day, restore order in the mentally traumatized, harvest organs for malevolent overlords, or provide skilled legal advice to extract good people¬† from the…

Thinning Away Low Morale

Amazon is offering employees $2000 to $5000 if they want to quit. Those who will accept the offer obviously don’t want to be there. Amazon’s offer is a way out for workers who think the job is hell and need a cushion to help them leave for a new job. Without such payments to quit,…

Gas Clouds Over The Office

The woman with an intestinal disorder regularly deploys a flurry of chemical warfare¬†spraying strong floral scents into the air to combat organic methane in its revolutionary struggle to break free of its oppressive confines. Her office broadcasts the smell of endless trench warfare. You are just trying to earn money and get work done, but…

Raw Talent

Raw talent, general proficiency, and natural abilities aren’t valued at all, only specific skills with business application. You’ll notice how many “professionals” demonstrate low ability to reason and usually lack creativity. They’ve learned how to memorize and repeat instead of mastering their tiny domain in which they claim expertise. Many are disorganized, so any request…

Make It Easy

Your co-workers are your fellow prisoners and inmates. You are bound together from different fates and sentenced to endure time together with each daily shift counting towards time served. Because your task is endurance, your decency compels you to make it easy on others who face the same hard demands. Empathy calls for you to…